HAGGIS-ON-WHEYS’ ENTIRELY USELESS PRIMER

For many years the scientific and educational community has wondered and worried about the possibility that semi-sane scholar pretenders would find the means to put out a series of reference books aimed at children but filled with ludicrous misinformation. These books would be distributed through respectable channels and would inevitably find their way into the hands and households of well-meaning families, who would go to them for facts but instead find bizarre untruths. The books would look normal enough, but would read as if written by people who should at all costs be denied access to pens and pencils.

Your two favorite lunatic scientists are back with more nonsensical science-esq non-facts. This time they’re tackling the long mystified subject of the tundra, and also the long mystified subject of children. And, for reasons of logistics, and other reasons unknowable to us or anyone, they’ve stuffed it all together in one great big primer, Children and the Tundra. With useful tips like: when you encounter talking child syndrome, make sure you’ve been soaking it long enough. Have you soaked it for the recommended 80 minutes daily? And, information about why goat cheese-fed children end up grifters.

In case your brain isn’t quite formless and leaking out of your tear-ducts by the time you finish that book, though, we’re bundling it with an old stand-by, Giraffes? Giraffes!